What a Blessing to watch my children.

Yes, that's all. To just sit back and watch, to see how intelligent and thoughtful and amazing they are. To be given such an amazing gift to raise up and call my own. I thank God for my Children everyday. But There doesn't seem to be a word elaborate enough to truly show my gratitude for what we have been given.

The adoption and Foster process to be honest has been a bumpy one. Full of unknowns and waiting. It's been a difficult week for me this week, but then I stop take a breath, and watch. God is good all the time. And sometimes it's the little things that remind us of how precious time is and how God has not forsaken us. For he blessed us with these two darlings. And as Tye Tribbett so nicely puts it, if he did it before he can do it again...

I have not posted any blogs lately, because honestly the process is moving very slowly. After contacting CAS it is expected that our home study should begin in Sept and take any where from two to three months to complete.

We are continuing to pray about this process and for the child or children Lord willing will be placed in our family. Through starting this blog, I felt it important to document the process and the rawness our family feels throughout. I am realizing it is not only about the outcome, but about the entire process. We should look at the amazing things God is doing in our lives and throughout this process. Maybe see the things we are learning about ourselves and the things maybe we need to change within us.

I am having to learn patience. Not a vertue of mine... Unfortunately. I am slowly learning how to give things over to God and learning that things don't happen on my schedule. God's timing is perfect. Sounds easy enough, but not always easy to process in the moment.

I am learning to live in the moment. My children are growing up so fast, and I find the days are just flying by! I need to take every opportunity I have to spend quality time with my family and not always charge full speed ahead.

I am learning that even the little things count and a smile can go along way. Take the time to smile at someone or do something nice for someone and you have no idea how it can effect them.

But most of all, I am learning to full rely on my Heavenly Father, for its then that things seem to come together, and all the above are much easier to do. God's will, will be done in each situation and sometimes when I don't understand why things are not going the way I feel they should I will wait. And I will pray and ultimately I will trust.

So in ending this post, may I just say that although things are not moving as quickly as I would want. I am content and I am going to try to enjoy every moment knowing life is short and what a blessing it truly is.

I got a phone call this morning from CAS. We transferred our home study over to the adoption home with the intention to foster while we wait. My daughter keeps telling everyone she is going to have a baby sister. She wants to name her Elysia Gracie. I have no idea where she got that name from, but she names everything that... Her dolls, her teddies, her future cat and her future sister :) I informed her that her sister, if it ends up being a sister might already have a name. N Has two single beds in her room now, and is always commenting on 'her sisters bed'.

Brandon and I agreed that adoption siblings would be amazing. We prefer to adopt under the age of 5, but ultimately we are open to whatever God has planned. We are constantly praying for our future children, and for those we may foster. Praying for protection over them and a blessing.

It's been awhile since I wrote last because the process is a bit lengthy and all we could do is wait. We still do not have a date for our home study just yet, but I keep trying to remind myself that God's timing is perfect and maybe the children we are ment to bring into our home are not ready come to our just yet.

I have not yet applied to volunteer for the organization I had mentioned a few posts ago, I passed the building yesterday though, and again today, and felt like maybe I should finish filling out my information form and finally hand it in...

We had the lady who over sees the adoptions at CAS come and discuss the process of adoption and answer some questions for us recently. She suggested if you have hopes to adopt at some point through your process to get the adoption home study completed instead of the foster home study, as your files sometimes get lost in the foster pile over time. So after a long week of pleading with God for an answer about which way we should proceed we finally made our decision.

On Thursday last week I opened up my bible at the kitchen table and said a silent prayer asking God to reveal to me his will and direction as far as the foster and adoption goes. I have a Stormie OMartian women's study bible in which Stormie Omartian adds devotional points through out. I opened up to a 'from Stormies heart' insert entitled "surrendering your dreams" through out her encouraging write up she talks about surrendering your dreams to God, laying them down at his feet and allowing them to die, because it's then that God can reveal the dreams that come from him and the dreams of our flesh. If it is truly of God, he will resurrect the dream in your heart but the ones that are our will, will be buried forever.

I prayed feeling very anxious and stressed about the decision we faced. I got really real with God and told him I want what he wants and as hard as it is for me to give up my dream of adopting I was ready. Knowing very well that if it was not God's will, things would not go smoothly. As soon as I finished praying I felt better, much more at ease. Brandon and I both continued being very real with God all week.Everyday we would ask each other "do you have an answer yet?", "nope, you?" I am not going to lie, it was hard not to stress about it, but every time I felt stressed I prayed!

We went to week 8 of training last night still not 100% sure of our direction. Following the class we went up to Sarah, our trainer and said "we have an answer for you..." Brandon looked at me then continued "after a few weeks of praying and seeking God, and after all of the training we feel we want to do the adoption home study" I nodded my head while at his side. We discussed our option with Sarah for a few minutes and let her know that we really wanted to foster while waiting to adopt and then we headed home. I was really excited about it!

When I went to get my police check done I asked the lady at the desk if you needed to do an individual police check for each organization that request it or if you could use the same one for more than one place. She informed me that I could get more than one copy for the same price, for each organizations I needed.

May seem like an odd request I suppose, but here's the thing, last year the topic of abortion kept coming up all around me. Movies, books, Conversations, adds, pinterest pins... So on and so forth. It seemed like one thing after the other would remind me of abortion. Each time the topic came up I felt like my insides were going to explode. I know that sounds crazy, but I am not sure how else to explain it. I felt anxious, antsy and completely uncomfortable. I could not shake the over whelming feeling that I needed to do something. But what?

I mentioned my feelings to my sister-in-law, who is a nurse. I explained to her that I was reading a book called 'crazy love' by Francis Chan and how it is a good reminder of how we need to stop living for ourselves and understand God's will for our lives. *side note, awesome read by the way!*
Any who, she did some research for me and informed me there was a fairly new organization in town that councils and aids girls and women going through difficult pregnancies. This was fantastic news! How could I help?

I prayed about it A LOT and every where I turned I saw a pamphlet or a poster for this place. I was on facebook one day back in December, and I saw the add for the organization in the side column on my news feed. I clicked on the website. I glanced over it feeling anxious and uncertain. What could I do for these girls? How could I help? Little ol' me who has no experience in this field, just a desire to help. There was a button the said 'contact us'. I clicked it.

I began with something along the lines of "so I am going to just be honest, I have no idea what I could do for your organization but I feel God is leading me to it. Here's a bit about me and why I feel this way" I ended with "I am praying for you and please let me know if there is anything else I could do to help".

Two days later I received a response via email. She thanked me for my message and sent me an application form for volunteer work. I was so excited.... And never filled it out. I constantly feel a tug in my heart for this issue and the organization, but here's the thing. I am torn. I want to so badly help, but is now the time? Between working, soup kitchen, volunteering at church, foster/adoption training and spending quality time with my family would I be able to squeeze this in too?

Well I am not sure yet, but I know I feel called to do something so that's why I decided to get the police check any ways. And who knows, maybe I will finish filling out the forms and hand them in. I feel God has placed this on my heart for a reason. Having only carried my baby for 9 weeks and seeing its little fingers and toes, I have to let others know that a "fetus" is not just tissue that can be disregarded. It's so much more. It's a baby.

I talked to Brandon tonight about how I am feeling a little bit anxious about how slow the process is going. He reminded me of Moses.

All the israelites were suppose to do was be obedient and live in faith each day. They were in the wilderness for 40 years before they reached the promise land. Not because their journey took that long, but because they were not focused on the Lord and all he had told them. Instead they disobeyed What God had asked of them, and began to do things their own way. Which intern God allowed them to wait upon his promise.

I have to learn to be patient and remember that God's timing is perfect. It's not about my time line its about his.

Patience is not something I am very good at. So I am going to try. I keep reminding myself that once this begins, it will never just be the 4 of us again. So I am going to to take this time, however short or long it maybe, to enjoy my sweet family as it is right now.

Even though my blog is entitled 'throwing away my map of life' and I have written about allowing God to take the lead and guide me where he wants me in life... I am a control freak! It's awful!

At the last Pride Training class (last night) I had some questions and was a little confused about somethings. Brandon and I are going through to be Foster AND Adoptive parents, so I assumed our home study would allow for both.

Um... Nope. So here it is, either we go through the foster home study OR the Adoption home study.

Okay, So we will go the adoptive home study route. Well not so fast. If we have the adoption home study completed, then CAS's focus would be on finding the child that would fit perfectly into our family. But we would like to foster children who are not crown ward who will be returning to their parents as well. So then we go with the foster home study? Then what if the child we feel would be a perfect fit for our family comes along and we don't have everything in order? We may lose that child to a family who has already gone through their adoption home study.

And that would be the reason for the first paragraph of this post... Yes yes, if it's meant to be it will be. I know. And I just need to remember God is in control. But....

Ouch. I typed the word and then it hit me. BUT. I know God's in control BUT I want some control?

Honestly I sat here paralyzed for a few moments feeling annoyed with myself. I look at those words and I sound like a spoiled princess. How can I sit here and type to other people about releasing control and how amazing it is to let God lead, when I can't even follow my own advice.

Time to get back on track. I have been so busy lately being mommy, wife, working, volunteering and training that I have forgotten to take time to be a daughter. The daughter to my heavenly Father. So that shall be my goal this week. Taking time. Making the time!