We had the lady who over sees the adoptions at CAS come and discuss the process of adoption and answer some questions for us recently. She suggested if you have hopes to adopt at some point through your process to get the adoption home study completed instead of the foster home study, as your files sometimes get lost in the foster pile over time. So after a long week of pleading with God for an answer about which way we should proceed we finally made our decision.

On Thursday last week I opened up my bible at the kitchen table and said a silent prayer asking God to reveal to me his will and direction as far as the foster and adoption goes. I have a Stormie OMartian women's study bible in which Stormie Omartian adds devotional points through out. I opened up to a 'from Stormies heart' insert entitled "surrendering your dreams" through out her encouraging write up she talks about surrendering your dreams to God, laying them down at his feet and allowing them to die, because it's then that God can reveal the dreams that come from him and the dreams of our flesh. If it is truly of God, he will resurrect the dream in your heart but the ones that are our will, will be buried forever.

I prayed feeling very anxious and stressed about the decision we faced. I got really real with God and told him I want what he wants and as hard as it is for me to give up my dream of adopting I was ready. Knowing very well that if it was not God's will, things would not go smoothly. As soon as I finished praying I felt better, much more at ease. Brandon and I both continued being very real with God all week.Everyday we would ask each other "do you have an answer yet?", "nope, you?" I am not going to lie, it was hard not to stress about it, but every time I felt stressed I prayed!

We went to week 8 of training last night still not 100% sure of our direction. Following the class we went up to Sarah, our trainer and said "we have an answer for you..." Brandon looked at me then continued "after a few weeks of praying and seeking God, and after all of the training we feel we want to do the adoption home study" I nodded my head while at his side. We discussed our option with Sarah for a few minutes and let her know that we really wanted to foster while waiting to adopt and then we headed home. I was really excited about it!

When I went to get my police check done I asked the lady at the desk if you needed to do an individual police check for each organization that request it or if you could use the same one for more than one place. She informed me that I could get more than one copy for the same price, for each organizations I needed.

May seem like an odd request I suppose, but here's the thing, last year the topic of abortion kept coming up all around me. Movies, books, Conversations, adds, pinterest pins... So on and so forth. It seemed like one thing after the other would remind me of abortion. Each time the topic came up I felt like my insides were going to explode. I know that sounds crazy, but I am not sure how else to explain it. I felt anxious, antsy and completely uncomfortable. I could not shake the over whelming feeling that I needed to do something. But what?

I mentioned my feelings to my sister-in-law, who is a nurse. I explained to her that I was reading a book called 'crazy love' by Francis Chan and how it is a good reminder of how we need to stop living for ourselves and understand God's will for our lives. *side note, awesome read by the way!*
Any who, she did some research for me and informed me there was a fairly new organization in town that councils and aids girls and women going through difficult pregnancies. This was fantastic news! How could I help?

I prayed about it A LOT and every where I turned I saw a pamphlet or a poster for this place. I was on facebook one day back in December, and I saw the add for the organization in the side column on my news feed. I clicked on the website. I glanced over it feeling anxious and uncertain. What could I do for these girls? How could I help? Little ol' me who has no experience in this field, just a desire to help. There was a button the said 'contact us'. I clicked it.

I began with something along the lines of "so I am going to just be honest, I have no idea what I could do for your organization but I feel God is leading me to it. Here's a bit about me and why I feel this way" I ended with "I am praying for you and please let me know if there is anything else I could do to help".

Two days later I received a response via email. She thanked me for my message and sent me an application form for volunteer work. I was so excited.... And never filled it out. I constantly feel a tug in my heart for this issue and the organization, but here's the thing. I am torn. I want to so badly help, but is now the time? Between working, soup kitchen, volunteering at church, foster/adoption training and spending quality time with my family would I be able to squeeze this in too?

Well I am not sure yet, but I know I feel called to do something so that's why I decided to get the police check any ways. And who knows, maybe I will finish filling out the forms and hand them in. I feel God has placed this on my heart for a reason. Having only carried my baby for 9 weeks and seeing its little fingers and toes, I have to let others know that a "fetus" is not just tissue that can be disregarded. It's so much more. It's a baby.

I talked to Brandon tonight about how I am feeling a little bit anxious about how slow the process is going. He reminded me of Moses.

All the israelites were suppose to do was be obedient and live in faith each day. They were in the wilderness for 40 years before they reached the promise land. Not because their journey took that long, but because they were not focused on the Lord and all he had told them. Instead they disobeyed What God had asked of them, and began to do things their own way. Which intern God allowed them to wait upon his promise.

I have to learn to be patient and remember that God's timing is perfect. It's not about my time line its about his.

Patience is not something I am very good at. So I am going to try. I keep reminding myself that once this begins, it will never just be the 4 of us again. So I am going to to take this time, however short or long it maybe, to enjoy my sweet family as it is right now.

Even though my blog is entitled 'throwing away my map of life' and I have written about allowing God to take the lead and guide me where he wants me in life... I am a control freak! It's awful!

At the last Pride Training class (last night) I had some questions and was a little confused about somethings. Brandon and I are going through to be Foster AND Adoptive parents, so I assumed our home study would allow for both.

Um... Nope. So here it is, either we go through the foster home study OR the Adoption home study.

Okay, So we will go the adoptive home study route. Well not so fast. If we have the adoption home study completed, then CAS's focus would be on finding the child that would fit perfectly into our family. But we would like to foster children who are not crown ward who will be returning to their parents as well. So then we go with the foster home study? Then what if the child we feel would be a perfect fit for our family comes along and we don't have everything in order? We may lose that child to a family who has already gone through their adoption home study.

And that would be the reason for the first paragraph of this post... Yes yes, if it's meant to be it will be. I know. And I just need to remember God is in control. But....

Ouch. I typed the word and then it hit me. BUT. I know God's in control BUT I want some control?

Honestly I sat here paralyzed for a few moments feeling annoyed with myself. I look at those words and I sound like a spoiled princess. How can I sit here and type to other people about releasing control and how amazing it is to let God lead, when I can't even follow my own advice.

Time to get back on track. I have been so busy lately being mommy, wife, working, volunteering and training that I have forgotten to take time to be a daughter. The daughter to my heavenly Father. So that shall be my goal this week. Taking time. Making the time!

Another 2 weeks goes by, the busyness of life creeps in and here I go. Ready to try and some up the obstacles and paths I have experienced since I last wrote.

So our foster training touched on 2 subjects that were challenging to say the least. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it a few times before replacing it. 'abuse' and 'loss' I can honestly say that last week I literally felt nauseated by the abuse discussion. How someone could do those awful things to a child I will never understand. And loss... Not only was the topic difficult but having to split up into groups and present to the class was pretty intimidating too.

On a different topic... I have been helping out at a Soup Kitchen here in town. Friends of mine started the Soup Kitchen about 5 and a half years ago, and I have been blessed to be able to assist them in this venture. It's amazing! It went from one person (sometimes a few more) serving approximately 50 people, to such a huge interest in volunteers that we have people on a waiting list. Cooking is a huge passion of mine, and being able to use this passion to make a difference in someones life is pretty special.

There are some weeks that I feel a little stressed, and it seems things are not going as smoothly as we would like. That's where I stop, say a little prayer and remember that we do this all for the glory of God, and to serve him through serving his people. The Bible says "What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." - James 2:14-17

So if you are reading this now I challenge you to do something for another. Be it bring someone a meal, or a gift. Or even just a quick message (honestly I prefer phone calls, because there a bit more personal) telling someone how much you care or encourage them in some way. Stepping out of your comfort zone once in a while can really pay off. When you do things for others, you in return will be blessed.

It's the little things that can make a world of difference.
Have a good week.

I had planned on writing a new post last Wednesday following our last Pride Training session.... But it's been a little busy around here.

So last Wednesday, we discussed the importance of keeping Bio Families involved in the children's lives. 'Bio' is short for biological. We wrote out plans for ourselves entitled a "permanence plan" they asked us questions like 'what do you plan on doing tomorrow?', 'who do you plan on having with you tomorrow?' 'what do you want to be doing in one year, and who would you like have with you?' and then they ask similar questions for 5 years from now. Next, 2 people were selected from the class and the trainer came over to each of them and ripped their papers up and stomped on them. Wow. It helps to put things in perspective, obviously they were just papers, and we could have a bit of a laugh about it in the class, but the point came across loud and clear. We all have plans, and ideas and dreams for our future. When a child goes into care, some of the things we all take for granted, like waking up to see your parents or your siblings every morning, going to sleep in your owned bed each night. Having YOUR home to come back to after school each day. That all gets taken away, some for a while and some permanently.

We are given homework after our classes each week. Last week our homework was to complete a family tree. We are to try and included as much information as possible about our family members. It's another reminder that children who become crown ward have very little if any information about their family, health history, and so on. It's been fun for me to get a chance to do this. I am blessed to have a close knit family, in which I get a lot of love and support. I hope to be able to bring children into our home and show them love and support, even though they maybe going through a difficult transition period in their lives.

Last night was our first meeting. We followed a bunch of people down a different long hallway then last time and headed into a room with great big white binders on the desks. We got to know the other couples through some ice breaker games, which is so not my thing, but it was actually not to bad. We were there for just over 3 hours.

We were given homework assignments, a little bit of reading and a form to fill out with questions about 'so far is it what you expected?'. I worked on my homework today, trying to make sure I am being diligent and responsible about this. Unlike high school when my homework was rarely done...oops! In reading I was amazed! Absolutely disgusted actually (and that's an under statement!) did you know that back in 1875 animals had more rights and protection then children! And that same year children ended up being under the 'humane society's umbrella! It started because of a little girl named Mary Ellen, who was being abused by her care taker. When a voluntary worker in her area became aware of the abuse and tried to have the little girl protected, but no one could do anything. The police and voluntary agencies had no grounds to help the poor girl. So the worker went to a man named Henry Bergh. He was the president of the New York Society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. She argued that Mary Ellen was 'a member the animal kingdom and should be afforded the protection given to animals'. ouch! This makes me so sad. There is a whole bunch more, but it would take me all night to write out the points that's blew me away.

As I mentioned before, this journey started because of my desire to adopt, and never to foster. I am realizing how selfish I was in my way of thinking. I wanted to be able to bring a child into my home with no strings attached. I wanted an infant to raise up as my own, and please don't get me wrong. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But I am starting to see how things are suppose to be a little different for my family.

 I am understanding the importance of reuniting children with their biological families when it is healthy to do so, and how to assist in that process. I still have a STRONG desire to adopt and hope for that some day. But I look forward to being touched by the lives we will have a chance to bring in even for a little while. No I don't think it is going to be easy, and I understand with that comes challenges, heartache and probably some tears. I believe God will make away though.

I so badly want other people to know the truths and realities about topics like foster care, and even abortion. I had the chance to Watch a pretty amazing video last night ( http://youtube/7y2KsU_dhwI ) and I believe after watching this that a lot of people make decisions and take a stand for things that they just do not know much about. I recently heard Abby Johnsons story on the radio and it really struck me. If you are considering abortion please, please, please consider other avenues and do your research.

Below I have posted a link to Abbys Page, please take the time to check it out. It's a pretty amazing story.
http://www.abbyjohnson.org