When I went to get my police check done I asked the lady at the desk if you needed to do an individual police check for each organization that request it or if you could use the same one for more than one place. She informed me that I could get more than one copy for the same price, for each organizations I needed.

May seem like an odd request I suppose, but here's the thing, last year the topic of abortion kept coming up all around me. Movies, books, Conversations, adds, pinterest pins... So on and so forth. It seemed like one thing after the other would remind me of abortion. Each time the topic came up I felt like my insides were going to explode. I know that sounds crazy, but I am not sure how else to explain it. I felt anxious, antsy and completely uncomfortable. I could not shake the over whelming feeling that I needed to do something. But what?

I mentioned my feelings to my sister-in-law, who is a nurse. I explained to her that I was reading a book called 'crazy love' by Francis Chan and how it is a good reminder of how we need to stop living for ourselves and understand God's will for our lives. *side note, awesome read by the way!*
Any who, she did some research for me and informed me there was a fairly new organization in town that councils and aids girls and women going through difficult pregnancies. This was fantastic news! How could I help?

I prayed about it A LOT and every where I turned I saw a pamphlet or a poster for this place. I was on facebook one day back in December, and I saw the add for the organization in the side column on my news feed. I clicked on the website. I glanced over it feeling anxious and uncertain. What could I do for these girls? How could I help? Little ol' me who has no experience in this field, just a desire to help. There was a button the said 'contact us'. I clicked it.

I began with something along the lines of "so I am going to just be honest, I have no idea what I could do for your organization but I feel God is leading me to it. Here's a bit about me and why I feel this way" I ended with "I am praying for you and please let me know if there is anything else I could do to help".

Two days later I received a response via email. She thanked me for my message and sent me an application form for volunteer work. I was so excited.... And never filled it out. I constantly feel a tug in my heart for this issue and the organization, but here's the thing. I am torn. I want to so badly help, but is now the time? Between working, soup kitchen, volunteering at church, foster/adoption training and spending quality time with my family would I be able to squeeze this in too?

Well I am not sure yet, but I know I feel called to do something so that's why I decided to get the police check any ways. And who knows, maybe I will finish filling out the forms and hand them in. I feel God has placed this on my heart for a reason. Having only carried my baby for 9 weeks and seeing its little fingers and toes, I have to let others know that a "fetus" is not just tissue that can be disregarded. It's so much more. It's a baby.

I talked to Brandon tonight about how I am feeling a little bit anxious about how slow the process is going. He reminded me of Moses.

All the israelites were suppose to do was be obedient and live in faith each day. They were in the wilderness for 40 years before they reached the promise land. Not because their journey took that long, but because they were not focused on the Lord and all he had told them. Instead they disobeyed What God had asked of them, and began to do things their own way. Which intern God allowed them to wait upon his promise.

I have to learn to be patient and remember that God's timing is perfect. It's not about my time line its about his.

Patience is not something I am very good at. So I am going to try. I keep reminding myself that once this begins, it will never just be the 4 of us again. So I am going to to take this time, however short or long it maybe, to enjoy my sweet family as it is right now.

Even though my blog is entitled 'throwing away my map of life' and I have written about allowing God to take the lead and guide me where he wants me in life... I am a control freak! It's awful!

At the last Pride Training class (last night) I had some questions and was a little confused about somethings. Brandon and I are going through to be Foster AND Adoptive parents, so I assumed our home study would allow for both.

Um... Nope. So here it is, either we go through the foster home study OR the Adoption home study.

Okay, So we will go the adoptive home study route. Well not so fast. If we have the adoption home study completed, then CAS's focus would be on finding the child that would fit perfectly into our family. But we would like to foster children who are not crown ward who will be returning to their parents as well. So then we go with the foster home study? Then what if the child we feel would be a perfect fit for our family comes along and we don't have everything in order? We may lose that child to a family who has already gone through their adoption home study.

And that would be the reason for the first paragraph of this post... Yes yes, if it's meant to be it will be. I know. And I just need to remember God is in control. But....

Ouch. I typed the word and then it hit me. BUT. I know God's in control BUT I want some control?

Honestly I sat here paralyzed for a few moments feeling annoyed with myself. I look at those words and I sound like a spoiled princess. How can I sit here and type to other people about releasing control and how amazing it is to let God lead, when I can't even follow my own advice.

Time to get back on track. I have been so busy lately being mommy, wife, working, volunteering and training that I have forgotten to take time to be a daughter. The daughter to my heavenly Father. So that shall be my goal this week. Taking time. Making the time!

Another 2 weeks goes by, the busyness of life creeps in and here I go. Ready to try and some up the obstacles and paths I have experienced since I last wrote.

So our foster training touched on 2 subjects that were challenging to say the least. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it a few times before replacing it. 'abuse' and 'loss' I can honestly say that last week I literally felt nauseated by the abuse discussion. How someone could do those awful things to a child I will never understand. And loss... Not only was the topic difficult but having to split up into groups and present to the class was pretty intimidating too.

On a different topic... I have been helping out at a Soup Kitchen here in town. Friends of mine started the Soup Kitchen about 5 and a half years ago, and I have been blessed to be able to assist them in this venture. It's amazing! It went from one person (sometimes a few more) serving approximately 50 people, to such a huge interest in volunteers that we have people on a waiting list. Cooking is a huge passion of mine, and being able to use this passion to make a difference in someones life is pretty special.

There are some weeks that I feel a little stressed, and it seems things are not going as smoothly as we would like. That's where I stop, say a little prayer and remember that we do this all for the glory of God, and to serve him through serving his people. The Bible says "What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." - James 2:14-17

So if you are reading this now I challenge you to do something for another. Be it bring someone a meal, or a gift. Or even just a quick message (honestly I prefer phone calls, because there a bit more personal) telling someone how much you care or encourage them in some way. Stepping out of your comfort zone once in a while can really pay off. When you do things for others, you in return will be blessed.

It's the little things that can make a world of difference.
Have a good week.

I had planned on writing a new post last Wednesday following our last Pride Training session.... But it's been a little busy around here.

So last Wednesday, we discussed the importance of keeping Bio Families involved in the children's lives. 'Bio' is short for biological. We wrote out plans for ourselves entitled a "permanence plan" they asked us questions like 'what do you plan on doing tomorrow?', 'who do you plan on having with you tomorrow?' 'what do you want to be doing in one year, and who would you like have with you?' and then they ask similar questions for 5 years from now. Next, 2 people were selected from the class and the trainer came over to each of them and ripped their papers up and stomped on them. Wow. It helps to put things in perspective, obviously they were just papers, and we could have a bit of a laugh about it in the class, but the point came across loud and clear. We all have plans, and ideas and dreams for our future. When a child goes into care, some of the things we all take for granted, like waking up to see your parents or your siblings every morning, going to sleep in your owned bed each night. Having YOUR home to come back to after school each day. That all gets taken away, some for a while and some permanently.

We are given homework after our classes each week. Last week our homework was to complete a family tree. We are to try and included as much information as possible about our family members. It's another reminder that children who become crown ward have very little if any information about their family, health history, and so on. It's been fun for me to get a chance to do this. I am blessed to have a close knit family, in which I get a lot of love and support. I hope to be able to bring children into our home and show them love and support, even though they maybe going through a difficult transition period in their lives.

Last night was our first meeting. We followed a bunch of people down a different long hallway then last time and headed into a room with great big white binders on the desks. We got to know the other couples through some ice breaker games, which is so not my thing, but it was actually not to bad. We were there for just over 3 hours.

We were given homework assignments, a little bit of reading and a form to fill out with questions about 'so far is it what you expected?'. I worked on my homework today, trying to make sure I am being diligent and responsible about this. Unlike high school when my homework was rarely done...oops! In reading I was amazed! Absolutely disgusted actually (and that's an under statement!) did you know that back in 1875 animals had more rights and protection then children! And that same year children ended up being under the 'humane society's umbrella! It started because of a little girl named Mary Ellen, who was being abused by her care taker. When a voluntary worker in her area became aware of the abuse and tried to have the little girl protected, but no one could do anything. The police and voluntary agencies had no grounds to help the poor girl. So the worker went to a man named Henry Bergh. He was the president of the New York Society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. She argued that Mary Ellen was 'a member the animal kingdom and should be afforded the protection given to animals'. ouch! This makes me so sad. There is a whole bunch more, but it would take me all night to write out the points that's blew me away.

As I mentioned before, this journey started because of my desire to adopt, and never to foster. I am realizing how selfish I was in my way of thinking. I wanted to be able to bring a child into my home with no strings attached. I wanted an infant to raise up as my own, and please don't get me wrong. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But I am starting to see how things are suppose to be a little different for my family.

 I am understanding the importance of reuniting children with their biological families when it is healthy to do so, and how to assist in that process. I still have a STRONG desire to adopt and hope for that some day. But I look forward to being touched by the lives we will have a chance to bring in even for a little while. No I don't think it is going to be easy, and I understand with that comes challenges, heartache and probably some tears. I believe God will make away though.

I so badly want other people to know the truths and realities about topics like foster care, and even abortion. I had the chance to Watch a pretty amazing video last night ( http://youtube/7y2KsU_dhwI ) and I believe after watching this that a lot of people make decisions and take a stand for things that they just do not know much about. I recently heard Abby Johnsons story on the radio and it really struck me. If you are considering abortion please, please, please consider other avenues and do your research.

Below I have posted a link to Abbys Page, please take the time to check it out. It's a pretty amazing story.
http://www.abbyjohnson.org

So its Monday. The day I have been waiting for. I worked night sleep last night, which ended up being a night awake. I thought about coming home and sleeping for a bit, but I just couldn't. I could not wait for 1pm to roll around! We kept busy in the am. Played on the floor with the kids most of the morning then N and I headed out for a bit. We came home just in time for lunch. Right as we were finishing up lunch the phone rang. This was it.... "hello" Brandon answered. I helped N finish up her lunch and got D cleaned up and ready for his nap. I could hear Brandon answering a bunch of questions about us and our expectations. "well, if you knew my wife you would know that she is up for a challenge. Especially if she feels its something God has called her to do. So if you were to ask me that question I would be a little apprehensive, but my wife, Not at all." wow, wow, wow what was he talking about??? He continued "umm... Well I really wish you knew my wife, she's unlike anyone one you have even met I can guarantee you." I was pleasantly surprised by the words coming out of my husband's mouth, but what in the world were they discussing? And what exactly was he getting me into?!

 Brandon. This is how I would describe my husband... Fun loving, playful, friendly, fairly care free however a little, ok more than a little bit of a worrier... And he's very much what you see is what you get. He speaks his mind which is one of the things I love about him, however it can be a little scary at times too. Turns out they were talking about how many children we would be willing to take in at a time. His answer, 1 maybe 2. My answer up to 4. So we agreed 3 would be a good compromise. They also discussed the maximum age we were willing to take in Brandons answer, 3 maybe 4. My answer, it depends on the situation. Brandon agreed.

Brandon was on the phone for about an hour, he went into detail about our past, losing the babies, how we met, and why we wanted to pursue foster and adoption. They laughed, she cried and I cleaned. I tend to clean when I am nervous, stressed or anxious and my fridge has never looked so white! The verdict? She seemed to like us. We begin our pride training on Wednesday. It will take 9 weeks, we both have to attend each and every one of the meetings. Our home study will be done at the same time meaning we could have a child/children in our care in as little as 9 weeks. Possibly sooner if they approve us as a safe home, and they have a child they feel would be a good fit. In that case we may be approached before our training is complete. I am excited. I am thankful that God has taken us in this direction and I look forward to what he has in store for us on this journey. I understand that things may not always be easy, but as my pastor preached yesterday, with God the impossible is possible and we can do all things through Christ. When I was a little girl my dad used to tell  me that all the time. I remember before heading to bed one night he made  me repeat this to him and he assured me that with Christ's Strength anything was possible. And as James 1:27 says: 'Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress.' So I shall obey!