What a Blessing to watch my children.

Yes, that's all. To just sit back and watch, to see how intelligent and thoughtful and amazing they are. To be given such an amazing gift to raise up and call my own. I thank God for my Children everyday. But There doesn't seem to be a word elaborate enough to truly show my gratitude for what we have been given.

The adoption and Foster process to be honest has been a bumpy one. Full of unknowns and waiting. It's been a difficult week for me this week, but then I stop take a breath, and watch. God is good all the time. And sometimes it's the little things that remind us of how precious time is and how God has not forsaken us. For he blessed us with these two darlings. And as Tye Tribbett so nicely puts it, if he did it before he can do it again...

I have not posted any blogs lately, because honestly the process is moving very slowly. After contacting CAS it is expected that our home study should begin in Sept and take any where from two to three months to complete.

We are continuing to pray about this process and for the child or children Lord willing will be placed in our family. Through starting this blog, I felt it important to document the process and the rawness our family feels throughout. I am realizing it is not only about the outcome, but about the entire process. We should look at the amazing things God is doing in our lives and throughout this process. Maybe see the things we are learning about ourselves and the things maybe we need to change within us.

I am having to learn patience. Not a vertue of mine... Unfortunately. I am slowly learning how to give things over to God and learning that things don't happen on my schedule. God's timing is perfect. Sounds easy enough, but not always easy to process in the moment.

I am learning to live in the moment. My children are growing up so fast, and I find the days are just flying by! I need to take every opportunity I have to spend quality time with my family and not always charge full speed ahead.

I am learning that even the little things count and a smile can go along way. Take the time to smile at someone or do something nice for someone and you have no idea how it can effect them.

But most of all, I am learning to full rely on my Heavenly Father, for its then that things seem to come together, and all the above are much easier to do. God's will, will be done in each situation and sometimes when I don't understand why things are not going the way I feel they should I will wait. And I will pray and ultimately I will trust.

So in ending this post, may I just say that although things are not moving as quickly as I would want. I am content and I am going to try to enjoy every moment knowing life is short and what a blessing it truly is.

I got a phone call this morning from CAS. We transferred our home study over to the adoption home with the intention to foster while we wait. My daughter keeps telling everyone she is going to have a baby sister. She wants to name her Elysia Gracie. I have no idea where she got that name from, but she names everything that... Her dolls, her teddies, her future cat and her future sister :) I informed her that her sister, if it ends up being a sister might already have a name. N Has two single beds in her room now, and is always commenting on 'her sisters bed'.

Brandon and I agreed that adoption siblings would be amazing. We prefer to adopt under the age of 5, but ultimately we are open to whatever God has planned. We are constantly praying for our future children, and for those we may foster. Praying for protection over them and a blessing.

It's been awhile since I wrote last because the process is a bit lengthy and all we could do is wait. We still do not have a date for our home study just yet, but I keep trying to remind myself that God's timing is perfect and maybe the children we are ment to bring into our home are not ready come to our just yet.

I have not yet applied to volunteer for the organization I had mentioned a few posts ago, I passed the building yesterday though, and again today, and felt like maybe I should finish filling out my information form and finally hand it in...

We had the lady who over sees the adoptions at CAS come and discuss the process of adoption and answer some questions for us recently. She suggested if you have hopes to adopt at some point through your process to get the adoption home study completed instead of the foster home study, as your files sometimes get lost in the foster pile over time. So after a long week of pleading with God for an answer about which way we should proceed we finally made our decision.

On Thursday last week I opened up my bible at the kitchen table and said a silent prayer asking God to reveal to me his will and direction as far as the foster and adoption goes. I have a Stormie OMartian women's study bible in which Stormie Omartian adds devotional points through out. I opened up to a 'from Stormies heart' insert entitled "surrendering your dreams" through out her encouraging write up she talks about surrendering your dreams to God, laying them down at his feet and allowing them to die, because it's then that God can reveal the dreams that come from him and the dreams of our flesh. If it is truly of God, he will resurrect the dream in your heart but the ones that are our will, will be buried forever.

I prayed feeling very anxious and stressed about the decision we faced. I got really real with God and told him I want what he wants and as hard as it is for me to give up my dream of adopting I was ready. Knowing very well that if it was not God's will, things would not go smoothly. As soon as I finished praying I felt better, much more at ease. Brandon and I both continued being very real with God all week.Everyday we would ask each other "do you have an answer yet?", "nope, you?" I am not going to lie, it was hard not to stress about it, but every time I felt stressed I prayed!

We went to week 8 of training last night still not 100% sure of our direction. Following the class we went up to Sarah, our trainer and said "we have an answer for you..." Brandon looked at me then continued "after a few weeks of praying and seeking God, and after all of the training we feel we want to do the adoption home study" I nodded my head while at his side. We discussed our option with Sarah for a few minutes and let her know that we really wanted to foster while waiting to adopt and then we headed home. I was really excited about it!

When I went to get my police check done I asked the lady at the desk if you needed to do an individual police check for each organization that request it or if you could use the same one for more than one place. She informed me that I could get more than one copy for the same price, for each organizations I needed.

May seem like an odd request I suppose, but here's the thing, last year the topic of abortion kept coming up all around me. Movies, books, Conversations, adds, pinterest pins... So on and so forth. It seemed like one thing after the other would remind me of abortion. Each time the topic came up I felt like my insides were going to explode. I know that sounds crazy, but I am not sure how else to explain it. I felt anxious, antsy and completely uncomfortable. I could not shake the over whelming feeling that I needed to do something. But what?

I mentioned my feelings to my sister-in-law, who is a nurse. I explained to her that I was reading a book called 'crazy love' by Francis Chan and how it is a good reminder of how we need to stop living for ourselves and understand God's will for our lives. *side note, awesome read by the way!*
Any who, she did some research for me and informed me there was a fairly new organization in town that councils and aids girls and women going through difficult pregnancies. This was fantastic news! How could I help?

I prayed about it A LOT and every where I turned I saw a pamphlet or a poster for this place. I was on facebook one day back in December, and I saw the add for the organization in the side column on my news feed. I clicked on the website. I glanced over it feeling anxious and uncertain. What could I do for these girls? How could I help? Little ol' me who has no experience in this field, just a desire to help. There was a button the said 'contact us'. I clicked it.

I began with something along the lines of "so I am going to just be honest, I have no idea what I could do for your organization but I feel God is leading me to it. Here's a bit about me and why I feel this way" I ended with "I am praying for you and please let me know if there is anything else I could do to help".

Two days later I received a response via email. She thanked me for my message and sent me an application form for volunteer work. I was so excited.... And never filled it out. I constantly feel a tug in my heart for this issue and the organization, but here's the thing. I am torn. I want to so badly help, but is now the time? Between working, soup kitchen, volunteering at church, foster/adoption training and spending quality time with my family would I be able to squeeze this in too?

Well I am not sure yet, but I know I feel called to do something so that's why I decided to get the police check any ways. And who knows, maybe I will finish filling out the forms and hand them in. I feel God has placed this on my heart for a reason. Having only carried my baby for 9 weeks and seeing its little fingers and toes, I have to let others know that a "fetus" is not just tissue that can be disregarded. It's so much more. It's a baby.

I talked to Brandon tonight about how I am feeling a little bit anxious about how slow the process is going. He reminded me of Moses.

All the israelites were suppose to do was be obedient and live in faith each day. They were in the wilderness for 40 years before they reached the promise land. Not because their journey took that long, but because they were not focused on the Lord and all he had told them. Instead they disobeyed What God had asked of them, and began to do things their own way. Which intern God allowed them to wait upon his promise.

I have to learn to be patient and remember that God's timing is perfect. It's not about my time line its about his.

Patience is not something I am very good at. So I am going to try. I keep reminding myself that once this begins, it will never just be the 4 of us again. So I am going to to take this time, however short or long it maybe, to enjoy my sweet family as it is right now.

Even though my blog is entitled 'throwing away my map of life' and I have written about allowing God to take the lead and guide me where he wants me in life... I am a control freak! It's awful!

At the last Pride Training class (last night) I had some questions and was a little confused about somethings. Brandon and I are going through to be Foster AND Adoptive parents, so I assumed our home study would allow for both.

Um... Nope. So here it is, either we go through the foster home study OR the Adoption home study.

Okay, So we will go the adoptive home study route. Well not so fast. If we have the adoption home study completed, then CAS's focus would be on finding the child that would fit perfectly into our family. But we would like to foster children who are not crown ward who will be returning to their parents as well. So then we go with the foster home study? Then what if the child we feel would be a perfect fit for our family comes along and we don't have everything in order? We may lose that child to a family who has already gone through their adoption home study.

And that would be the reason for the first paragraph of this post... Yes yes, if it's meant to be it will be. I know. And I just need to remember God is in control. But....

Ouch. I typed the word and then it hit me. BUT. I know God's in control BUT I want some control?

Honestly I sat here paralyzed for a few moments feeling annoyed with myself. I look at those words and I sound like a spoiled princess. How can I sit here and type to other people about releasing control and how amazing it is to let God lead, when I can't even follow my own advice.

Time to get back on track. I have been so busy lately being mommy, wife, working, volunteering and training that I have forgotten to take time to be a daughter. The daughter to my heavenly Father. So that shall be my goal this week. Taking time. Making the time!

Another 2 weeks goes by, the busyness of life creeps in and here I go. Ready to try and some up the obstacles and paths I have experienced since I last wrote.

So our foster training touched on 2 subjects that were challenging to say the least. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it a few times before replacing it. 'abuse' and 'loss' I can honestly say that last week I literally felt nauseated by the abuse discussion. How someone could do those awful things to a child I will never understand. And loss... Not only was the topic difficult but having to split up into groups and present to the class was pretty intimidating too.

On a different topic... I have been helping out at a Soup Kitchen here in town. Friends of mine started the Soup Kitchen about 5 and a half years ago, and I have been blessed to be able to assist them in this venture. It's amazing! It went from one person (sometimes a few more) serving approximately 50 people, to such a huge interest in volunteers that we have people on a waiting list. Cooking is a huge passion of mine, and being able to use this passion to make a difference in someones life is pretty special.

There are some weeks that I feel a little stressed, and it seems things are not going as smoothly as we would like. That's where I stop, say a little prayer and remember that we do this all for the glory of God, and to serve him through serving his people. The Bible says "What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." - James 2:14-17

So if you are reading this now I challenge you to do something for another. Be it bring someone a meal, or a gift. Or even just a quick message (honestly I prefer phone calls, because there a bit more personal) telling someone how much you care or encourage them in some way. Stepping out of your comfort zone once in a while can really pay off. When you do things for others, you in return will be blessed.

It's the little things that can make a world of difference.
Have a good week.

I had planned on writing a new post last Wednesday following our last Pride Training session.... But it's been a little busy around here.

So last Wednesday, we discussed the importance of keeping Bio Families involved in the children's lives. 'Bio' is short for biological. We wrote out plans for ourselves entitled a "permanence plan" they asked us questions like 'what do you plan on doing tomorrow?', 'who do you plan on having with you tomorrow?' 'what do you want to be doing in one year, and who would you like have with you?' and then they ask similar questions for 5 years from now. Next, 2 people were selected from the class and the trainer came over to each of them and ripped their papers up and stomped on them. Wow. It helps to put things in perspective, obviously they were just papers, and we could have a bit of a laugh about it in the class, but the point came across loud and clear. We all have plans, and ideas and dreams for our future. When a child goes into care, some of the things we all take for granted, like waking up to see your parents or your siblings every morning, going to sleep in your owned bed each night. Having YOUR home to come back to after school each day. That all gets taken away, some for a while and some permanently.

We are given homework after our classes each week. Last week our homework was to complete a family tree. We are to try and included as much information as possible about our family members. It's another reminder that children who become crown ward have very little if any information about their family, health history, and so on. It's been fun for me to get a chance to do this. I am blessed to have a close knit family, in which I get a lot of love and support. I hope to be able to bring children into our home and show them love and support, even though they maybe going through a difficult transition period in their lives.

Last night was our first meeting. We followed a bunch of people down a different long hallway then last time and headed into a room with great big white binders on the desks. We got to know the other couples through some ice breaker games, which is so not my thing, but it was actually not to bad. We were there for just over 3 hours.

We were given homework assignments, a little bit of reading and a form to fill out with questions about 'so far is it what you expected?'. I worked on my homework today, trying to make sure I am being diligent and responsible about this. Unlike high school when my homework was rarely done...oops! In reading I was amazed! Absolutely disgusted actually (and that's an under statement!) did you know that back in 1875 animals had more rights and protection then children! And that same year children ended up being under the 'humane society's umbrella! It started because of a little girl named Mary Ellen, who was being abused by her care taker. When a voluntary worker in her area became aware of the abuse and tried to have the little girl protected, but no one could do anything. The police and voluntary agencies had no grounds to help the poor girl. So the worker went to a man named Henry Bergh. He was the president of the New York Society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. She argued that Mary Ellen was 'a member the animal kingdom and should be afforded the protection given to animals'. ouch! This makes me so sad. There is a whole bunch more, but it would take me all night to write out the points that's blew me away.

As I mentioned before, this journey started because of my desire to adopt, and never to foster. I am realizing how selfish I was in my way of thinking. I wanted to be able to bring a child into my home with no strings attached. I wanted an infant to raise up as my own, and please don't get me wrong. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But I am starting to see how things are suppose to be a little different for my family.

 I am understanding the importance of reuniting children with their biological families when it is healthy to do so, and how to assist in that process. I still have a STRONG desire to adopt and hope for that some day. But I look forward to being touched by the lives we will have a chance to bring in even for a little while. No I don't think it is going to be easy, and I understand with that comes challenges, heartache and probably some tears. I believe God will make away though.

I so badly want other people to know the truths and realities about topics like foster care, and even abortion. I had the chance to Watch a pretty amazing video last night ( http://youtube/7y2KsU_dhwI ) and I believe after watching this that a lot of people make decisions and take a stand for things that they just do not know much about. I recently heard Abby Johnsons story on the radio and it really struck me. If you are considering abortion please, please, please consider other avenues and do your research.

Below I have posted a link to Abbys Page, please take the time to check it out. It's a pretty amazing story.
http://www.abbyjohnson.org

So its Monday. The day I have been waiting for. I worked night sleep last night, which ended up being a night awake. I thought about coming home and sleeping for a bit, but I just couldn't. I could not wait for 1pm to roll around! We kept busy in the am. Played on the floor with the kids most of the morning then N and I headed out for a bit. We came home just in time for lunch. Right as we were finishing up lunch the phone rang. This was it.... "hello" Brandon answered. I helped N finish up her lunch and got D cleaned up and ready for his nap. I could hear Brandon answering a bunch of questions about us and our expectations. "well, if you knew my wife you would know that she is up for a challenge. Especially if she feels its something God has called her to do. So if you were to ask me that question I would be a little apprehensive, but my wife, Not at all." wow, wow, wow what was he talking about??? He continued "umm... Well I really wish you knew my wife, she's unlike anyone one you have even met I can guarantee you." I was pleasantly surprised by the words coming out of my husband's mouth, but what in the world were they discussing? And what exactly was he getting me into?!

 Brandon. This is how I would describe my husband... Fun loving, playful, friendly, fairly care free however a little, ok more than a little bit of a worrier... And he's very much what you see is what you get. He speaks his mind which is one of the things I love about him, however it can be a little scary at times too. Turns out they were talking about how many children we would be willing to take in at a time. His answer, 1 maybe 2. My answer up to 4. So we agreed 3 would be a good compromise. They also discussed the maximum age we were willing to take in Brandons answer, 3 maybe 4. My answer, it depends on the situation. Brandon agreed.

Brandon was on the phone for about an hour, he went into detail about our past, losing the babies, how we met, and why we wanted to pursue foster and adoption. They laughed, she cried and I cleaned. I tend to clean when I am nervous, stressed or anxious and my fridge has never looked so white! The verdict? She seemed to like us. We begin our pride training on Wednesday. It will take 9 weeks, we both have to attend each and every one of the meetings. Our home study will be done at the same time meaning we could have a child/children in our care in as little as 9 weeks. Possibly sooner if they approve us as a safe home, and they have a child they feel would be a good fit. In that case we may be approached before our training is complete. I am excited. I am thankful that God has taken us in this direction and I look forward to what he has in store for us on this journey. I understand that things may not always be easy, but as my pastor preached yesterday, with God the impossible is possible and we can do all things through Christ. When I was a little girl my dad used to tell  me that all the time. I remember before heading to bed one night he made  me repeat this to him and he assured me that with Christ's Strength anything was possible. And as James 1:27 says: 'Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress.' So I shall obey!

The questionnaire is complete. The Doctors appointment has been booked and the police check has begun. So I guess this is really happening! It amazes me how everything just seems to come together when you let God lead the way. Even the little details. For example, I wanted to organize the forms with paper clips, I knew we used to have some but had not seen them for a very long time. I informed my husband that I was headed down stairs to look under the crawl, which is currently full of boxes. He laughed "good luck". So down to the dungeon I went. I flicked on the light and entered the cove of the unknown... Piles of boxes in front of me, not sure where even to begin... Wait a second... There they were! Right out in the open. I turned off the light and ran up the stairs singing something along the lines of "everything, everything, everything comes together when God's in con-trol" yes, yes its true I tend to turn everything into a song. Why can't real life be like a musical? "you found them?" Brandon was in awe! To make things a bit more exciting there were 8 colors of paper clips and 8 different titles to be filed. Ok so I get a bit excited about little thing sometimes, but why not.

We got a phone call today from the foster care/ adoption family recruiter. She was impressed with the fact that both Brandon and I work in group homes. We are trained in Developmental Service work and both work in behavioral homes. We informed her that we are open to fostering children with developmental and Physical disabilities, however would be cautious  about behaviors because we have two children and are not willing to jeopardize their safety. She asked Brandon if it would be alright if she contacted us on Monday with a profile to consider... So it begins. Honestly I thought I would be nervous and a bit apprehensive but I feel excited and very much at ease. Looking forward to Monday!

So my children, I have a 3 year old beautiful, very intelligent little girl we will refer to her as "N" for now. And a 13 month old darling little boy who is always smiling, he shall be referred to as "D". Brandon and I knew starting a family was something we wanted to do, just never expected it would be as difficult as it was.

  Brandon and I were married in August 2004. Shortly after that we started trying for a family. It took 2 years before I got pregnant. It was twins! Immediately after hearing the news we were a bit nervous at the thought of 2 at once, but it quickly turned to excitement. At 14 weeks I was sent in for an emergency ultrasound due to excessive bleeding. We had lost them one week before my birthday. I didn't understand how it was possible, I had always heard that once you reached 13 weeks you were safe. And I was carrying 2 babies, how could I have lost them both? Quite honestly I didn't handle it well and it took a toll on our marriage. But what doesn't break you only makes you stronger they say. And that it did. Another 2 years went by before I got pregnant again. We went through fertility treatments this time, and we were starting to doubt if we would ever get pregnant again. At 6 weeks I began to bleed heavily again, and again was brought in for an ultrasound. There was a faint heartbeat, but my levels were low. The infertility specialist suggest I try 'progesterone' and return in a week. A week went by and I was back on the table anxiously waiting to view the large screen above me. There it was a strong heartbeat! The Doctor Called her a miracle. 4 more times through my pregnancy I was told that I may lose my baby. "don't get to attached to this baby just yet. Things don't look great" a doctor told me once. Just what you want to here! I prayed constantly that God would make away for this child. September 11 2009 she arrived, not without a bit of drama though. She was blue and not responding. It took almost 3 minutes to get her breathing. It was the longest 3 minutes of my life! She is definitely our little miracle, and we thank God for her everyday. In October of 2010 I found out I was expecting again. On December 5th 2010, 1 day before my birthday I lost the baby. I passed it while going to the washroom. The entire sack was intact and I could see the baby. Little fingers and all. With the twins they did a DandC and I did not see them, I struggled with the fact that I was pregnant and then all of the sudden I was not, but with seeing this baby it was good closure for me. Don't get me wrong, it was still not easy, Job 1:21 was a good reminder for me "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Let the name of the Lord be blessed" March 2011 following a much needed trip out west to see a great friend of mine, I found out I was expecting again. This pregnancy did not come without its fair share of challenges as well, but December 10 2011 out came our adorable little CRYING Baby Boy! It was music to our ears. So there you have it. My wonderful family. We venture this journey together and remember that every life is a miracle, and that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, it's a matter of choice whether we choose to allow his will for our lives or not. So I choose his will.

So here it goes... The beginning of my blogging adventures.
Let me start off with the reason behind this blog. A few days ago my husband Brandon and I attended a foster and adoption information night in our community. Let me tell you that adoption has been something I have dreamed about since I was a little girl, and something Brandon and I had discussed before we got married. However he was not as passionate about it as I was. Brandon is the more logical mind in our relationship, and I am definitely the dreamer. So naturally he had logical reasons to be a bit squeamish about the subject. So Jan 24 2013 we set out in hopes to get a better understanding of the adoption process. I prayed for weeks that God would make it clear what direction we were to go in and that Brandon and I would be on the same page. I prayed that if it was God's plan for us to adopt Brandon would feel as passionate As I do about it. And if that was not God's plan for us that he would change my heart.

We went out for dinner before hand, I was so anxious. What if we are not supposed to adopt? What if God had a different idea for our lives? I said a little silent prayer "father God... I don't know what to say at this point. My mind has gone blank. Ah... I just want your will for my life even if it is not what I had mapped out!" but my anxieties continued. All of the sudden I was reminded of Philippians 4:6–7 'be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.' following dinner we headed to the children's services building, 30 minutes early! I prayed again, asking God once more to make it clear to us what direction he would have us go.

It was time to go in. "hello, can I get your names please?" she was really nice, didn't seem as intimidating as I had imagined. We were lead down a long hallway with about 30 other people whom had evidently come to find out more information on adoption or foster care. Foster Care... I could never do that! I would get to attached. It would be to hard. You have to be incredibly strong to be a foster parent. There is no way!

We walked into a big room with a few rows of chairs set up. On the chairs were bags with the children's services logo on them, a piece of paper and a pen. The meeting began. They explained the application process, which is pretty well the same as the foster care process. I wrote down every word they said about the adoption process, wanting to soak it all in. Surely this is what we were called to do, why else would I want it so badly? Next they went into information relevant to foster care. I listened. Intrigued. Just then Brandon leaned over and gently nudged my arm "write this down" so I did. The meeting lasted about one and a half hours. In closing they gave everyone 3 options. Option 1. Pick up an information package on your way out, take it home and digest all of what was shared this evening. Option 2. Pick up an application form, take it home and begin the process. Or option 3. This is not for you, or you need more time to think about what was just presented to you. "well, do you want the information package or the application form?"- did my husband just ask me that??? Yes, he did. And the application form was our choice. However not exactly for the reason you may think. We both decided that Foster Care was where we wanted to start our journey. At that moment I threw away the map I had laid out for my life, everything I had planned for my future and decided it was time to allow God to lead the way.